Citizens of America, my name is Hamilton Jefferson Washington. Today, I am pleased to announce my candidacy for President of the United States. If you're tired of spending deficits, high taxes and poor service from your federal government, invest in my campaign and I will deliver a handsome return on your investment. I know, you want to shout "you lie," but hear me out because I intend to make every American wealthy. Are you tired of hearing that the government is broke? Are you tired of the bickering and endless talk in Washington and then no action? Are you tired of greasing the wheel, then getting the shaft? So am I, and with your help we can make the "hopey changey" thing work for us.
- My plan pays off the national debt within the first year of my administration.
- My plan establishes a federal government that will produce budget surpluses going forward and return cash to every citizen whether you vote for me or not. Of course, if you must support me, to get the do re mi.
- My plan applies methods that encompass every value we as Americans hold dear.
- My methods are already a proven success.
- My plan takes care of all citizens in an open and honest way.
- My plan is the epitome of simplicity.
I say a good government should grow not shrink. Does Bank of America want to close locations? Does Exxon want to cut their budget? Does MacDonald's sell more burgers without more juvenile labor? No, growth is where the money is. I propose to incorporate the federal government and conduct an initial public offering of shares in the business of government. This represents equal opportunity for all. Anyone can purchase their share of the American dream, or sell it for a profit if they wish. By the end of my term we will no longer have one person one vote. Most people don't bother to vote anyway. Under my leadership, only those with something to lose will vote, shareholders. I'll eliminate government corruption and waste by making everyone wealthy. Why take payoffs from someone else when the government pays off better. No longer will lobbyists and wealthy campaign contributors wield undue influence behind the scenes, instead, they will have direct influence at a higher price. No more bargain basement graft. They will need major graft to get that government gravy. And you can benefit from it. My plan will end the wasteful spending Congress doles out to constituents in order to keep their jobs. You'll get no pork with Ham. The initial offering will be for 350 trillion shares. The sale will generate enough capital to pay off the debt and put a considerable amount of cash in the Treasury. Many people may ask what about Congress? How will you get them to go along with you? Congress is already for sale. I'll make them an offer they can't refuse. I propose to increase all congressional wages tenfold in exchange for their support to amend the constitution and United States Code to enable the changes I propose. I'll pay them to make me chairman of the board and CEO of the United Sates of America, Inc. Then I'll fire them all with an exceptional severance package. A golden parachute beats an election campaign any day of the week. After watching Congress get paid the big bucks, I don't anticipate any problems with getting amendments to the constitution ratified. The cash will flow and we will make it so. Congress will be replaced by a board of directors elected by the shareholders. The powers of Congress will be replaced by our corporate charter. I'll eliminate all federal taxes. USA, Inc. will be a for profit operation. I propose to establish each federal department under the executive branch as a profit center that markets its goods and services in the competitive consumer market. If they can't compete, I will shut them down and issue contracts for the work with a business that can compete. There will be no need for a social safety net. I will establish a profit sharing plan that will pay every citizen a yearly stipend. I guarantee 100% employment. Those who cannot earn income can certainly spend it. The country needs consumers and I intend to see to it that the country has an abundance of them. I intend to disband the Federal Reserve Bank, stop honoring cash as legal tender and establish an electronic dollar market that adjusts according to the value of the GDP. All financial transactions will be electronic, and all will be processed through USA, Inc. servers. USA, Inc. will know where every dime of shareholder money changes hands and extract a small fee for the service. Together we will make this great country the envy of the world and crush our competition. Invest in the USA, Inc. It's the best investment you will ever make. I look forward to the prosperity and success of America in the global economy through the wise application of capitalism. Remember, don't be a pig, support Ham. I'm Kosher. If you wish to support my campaign send a check to. I Want Mine ℅ Hamilton Washington for PresidentPO Box 420Iconolochatcheepaduka, Florida 33666 or call 305-555-4Ham and give us a credit card number or email a PayPal account number at email@example.com I'll now take questions from the Newsvine press corps.